We all have periods of our life or certain situations that illicit strong feelings. Three of the strongest feelings we feel are anger, love and forgiveness . These issues effect all relationships, especially the people with whom you are the closest. When you do not forgive someone who has hurt you, you poison your relationship. Forgiveness is an essential ingredient for a long lasting relationship. You can’t forgive someone for their mistakes, without first expressing and releasing your anger.

Fully expressing and releasing your anger allows you to move on to freedom from hurt and total forgiveness. You won’t be able to truly forgive someone until you have fully understood your feelings of love and anger and let go of your resentments.

It starts with Love

We are all born with the need to love and be loved. Since no one can meet our exact needs, we will inevitably be hurt when we don’t get what we need. Feeling hurt is a natural part of life. However, when those hurts are inflicted by abuse such as manipulation, humiliation, stone-walling or a host of other abusive behaviors, the hurt can be extreme.

There are situations when it is perfectly normal to feel pain, fear and anger. Experiencing and expressing anger is vital to your mental health so long as you don’t remain there. That is where love and forgiveness come in. Complete forgiveness is a process that requires time. It is a process that allows you to go on with your life. When you love and forgive someone that hurt you, it is something you do for yourself, not for the person that needs forgiveness.

Misdirected anger will involve an intense focus on the person who hurt or betrayed you. Anger is an intense focus on the “wrongdoer”. Forgiveness involves shifting focus off the person who hurt you and moving on with your life.

Anger and Forgiveness share many characteristics

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

• Judgment – The “one-up” position
• Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and you blame them for your hurt, you are judging them and putting yourself in a “one-up” position. You dishonor yourself because you fail to look at your own responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the “blame game”. When you blame others, you make yourself a victim and deny your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you haven’t finished getting through being angry. You dishonor yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when in reality, your heart and gut still carry anger and resentment. Total forgiveness resonates through your body, mind and spirit. You simply can’t release and resolve if you haven’t dealt with residual anger.

Here are some important truths to remember when you’re angry:

• The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.
• You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic, both involve:

• Love
• Power
• Release
• Letting go
• No more victim position
• Operating in a container of love

Healthy anger and total forgiveness involve the power of a healthy release of your emotions, followed by letting them go. This brings you out of the victim position and can only occur within a container of love and forgiveness.

Understanding Anger

Of all of the emotions one experiences, anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people think anger is a negative emotion. Here are some common misconceptions:

• Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled
• It is wrong to be angry
• Angry means out of control
• Anger is the same as aggression or rage

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

• A feeling you have when you’re threatened or opposed
• A protective emotion
• Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes
• Fuel for effective action

Healthy anger fuels effective action!

Total forgiveness is something that only your body can do. This is because our anger and resentments are held in the body, not just the mind. That is why your mind has often decided to forgive long before you are able to. Your body has to be ready to do it as well because it has a mind of its own. When you struggle with forgiveness after you have intellectually decided to forgive, you may want to understand these points.

• Forgiveness is not a decision that you can make in your mind. It requires an emotional and physical release to be complete.
• Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven.
• Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer.
• Withholding love and forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer did is okay.
• You don’t have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive.
• You won’t be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds or until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger.
• Forgiveness is for you. It is good for your health.
• Total forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful.

Your body will tell you if love and forgiveness are complete.

The five stages of Forgiveness

In order to go through the five stages of forgiveness, one must develop a clear understanding of the harm that was done to you and who is responsible for it. You also need to recognize your own responsibility for what happened.

1. Identify and acknowledge all of your feelings in response to what happened. This included the pain, fear and anger you feel.
2. Talk through these feelings with a trusted friend or counselor.
3. Allow yourself to fully release all negative emotions, including anger, fear and sorrow. In order to let go completely, you must give yourself permission to experience a full, complete and healthy expression to your anger. Only then will you arrive at a place where you are ready for love and forgiveness.
4. Choose joy, peace and well being for yourself. Use the power of optimism for creating and maintaining lasting health and happiness.

The five stages of forgiveness may require a lot of time, counseling and emotional healing. Each of these stages might take a few weeks or months. It really depends on the depth of emotional pain that has been experienced. Keep faith, and know that you can find peace, love and forgiveness again.

Life starts with love.

Anger is an emotion which if left unchecked can permanently take you away from love and forgiveness. Total forgiveness is a return to love.